For those of you who were in church on Sunday, thanks for sitting through such an important and heavy topic. (For those who missed, please takea moment and read through the sermon notes at the end of this email, thanks.) It's sobering to think how divorce has had an effect on almost everyone in our church. We learned that (as always) the Bible sets a high standard for us. In an ideal world, anyone who gets married would realize the seriousness of the vows they take and never divorce. Problem is, we have this nasty problem of sin in our world. Sin invades everything including our marriages and families. Hence the problem of divorce in and outside of the church.
Thankfully, God's grace is bigger than we can fathom. Somehow, in the midst of the rampant divorce rate in the church, God forgives. Anyone who has been affected by divorce can be forgiven and move on. I pray that God will give us grace as a church to lovingly work through these issues with people. Please pray for your church leadership as we do our best to look at each case individually and ask for God's wisdom as we give out advice. I'd love to hear any of your comments on this touchy subject. If there is something you'd like to add from Sunday's sermon that didn't get discussed, please do so here. We could get some healthy dialog going.
My prayer is that our church will exhibit love and grace as we hold to the high Biblical standard that God has for us in every area of our lives.
17 comments:
Hey Evan,
Roman asked the question in church this past Sunday about how if someone gets married outside the church does it count in Gods eyes. Your response was why would they? or what's the point? I can think of at least two reasons why people would do this - for citizenship and or for job benefits (i.e. the military pay and medical insurance). These couples are considered married by the law but are they married in Gods eyes?
What great question, thanks. Pretty much every time I do a wedding for a couple, about 2 wks before the big day they are so stressed out they want to run off to Vegas and elope. When I inform them that the only thing that makes them legally married in the state of Ca. is $50.00 and a signed certificate by me (and that we can do that right in my office), they are often tempted to do just that.
So, you've got "married" in the eyes of the state and "married" in God's eyes. We know what the state requires, what about God? The Bible clearly speaks of the sanctity of marriage. Consequently, sex is held in the same high regard. So, in an ideal situation a couple doesn't have sex until they are married and what "seals the deal" and makes them married in God's eyes is the act of sex. You can't get any closer to a person than through sex, so that's why God wants that sacred act reserved for marriage where a couple has committed their lives to each other.
I know plenty of people get married for reasons other than Biblical. Are they married in God's eyes though? Well sort of. God recognizes all humans and all that we do. However, if a couple has not first committed their hearts to Jesus and consequently their marriage to God, then they aren't fully married in God's eyes, at least not as much as they could be. I believe there is so much more they could be experiencing on a spiritual level individually and as a couple if their marriage was committed to God.
God always wants to best for us and it's our choice as to if we will take his path or our own.
I forgot to leave this link in my last response. There are some good thoughts here from John Piper worth reading over:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2007/2233 What_God_has_joined_together_let_not_man_separate_part 2/
Good message on Sunday, Evan.
Obviously today divorce is common. Although there are some reasons that merit a divorce (abuse or adultery), I personally think that God honors those who honor them. This may be tough if one person is unwilling to submit to God.
I'm saying this not because I've been married 20 years, but I've witnessed this as a youth/teen in my parents marriage.
It was a marriage that was all but broken. There were issues of verbal abuse and at one point my parents seperated. But somehow, they stuck to it and tried to work things out with God. They went to counseling from a Christian pastor and eventually gave their marriage up to God. It was testimony to me of how powerful God is and how God can overcome any obstacle in a marriage.
Today, I'm proud to say that my parents have been married for over 25 years and it's getting better everyday. Sure, there are scars from the past, but the pain is gone.
Does God forgive you if you have had sex outside of marriage/before marriage?
Yes, God's forgiveness is there no matter what we do. Sometimes it's hard to accept and understand that, but it's true.
The key though, is not to abuse that grace and forgiveness. If someone continues to have sex outside of marriage, then they are abusing God's forgiveness. As Romans 6:1 says, "What shall we say then, shall we continue in sin that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin how can we live in it any longer?"
Once you recognize the sanctity of sex, you should do your best to save it for inside a loving, committed, Christian marriage.
I would add here (to the question posed by "anonymous") that although God forgives us for sex outside marriage (and anything else for which we ask forgiveness, for that matter) often the hard part is forgiving ourselves. The ripple effect of sin can affect us for the rest of our lives, even if God has wiped the slate clean.
Evan,
Does God look at who is the one to actually end a marriage?. To be the spouse that indicates a marriage is unfixable (as a Christian)says as a Christian that God is not capable of miracles in the case of Neils parents. How long does one spouse have to wait for the other to file for divorce before being considered the one to "end the marriage"?. In other words, one spouse has indicated "I will not be the one to allow the enemy to win. I won't be the one to end the marriage" but the other spouse does not agree and that spouse does nothing (counseling/ filing for divorce/ any attempt at anything, literally nothing)at what point am I held accountable for "ending the marriage". How does God look at this? Am I considered the one to have ended the marriage? I'm ready to file for divorce now, but unsure of my christian accountability in God's eyes.
When we look at divorce from a Biblical standpoint, the only justification is adultery.
Matthew 19:9
"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
I know there are always other circumstances to be considered such as abuse. However, if we are going to be faithful to the Bible, then the rules for divorce are tight.
So, in this situation the question is "Who files for divorce and as a result carries around that "burden" for the rest of their lives?"
I know God is sad when all marriages end, no matter who files for divorce. If one spouse is running from the responsibility of either resolving the marriage or ending it, then that is a whole 'nother issue. By that person saying "I'm not going to be the one to let the enemy win", yet take no responsiblity for counseling etc., they are running from that responsibility. The enemy is already winning if the couple is separated and there is no effort being made to restore the marriage.
God is obvioiusly capable of miracles in every marital situation where strife is present. How long does one wait for that miracle though? These are questions that have to be answered by each individual as they stand accountable before God.
I would encourage you to (somehow) be patient in this situation. Pray like crazy for God's wisdom. If your spouse is not threatening your life or well being, then wait it out.
Why do I say this? I guess I'm willing to hold out for God's miracle to happen. Remember, if adultery is not involved, then Biblically there is no grounds for divorce. I believe your Christian accountabliity is to trust God for now and not doing anything drastic too soon. I know that's not easy, but just the fact that you are concerned about the responsibility of actually filing for divorce shows that you want to do the right thing in God's eyes.
See also 1 Cor. 7:10-16
What if you were to marry a non Christian? How does God look upon us for that? Can you just pray that your spouse will become to know Christ?
To anonymous...The Bible tells us not to be "unequally yoked."
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" - 2 Corinthians 6:14
I believe this was Paul's advice to the early church of Corinth in that marrying an unbeliever will be a detriment to a Christian walk.
While I don't think its necessariy a sin to be married to an unbeliever, living a Christian life with an unbeliever is difficult.
I don't think anyone could go into a marriage thinking that they'll change them or that God will change them....I think it's basically telling God he'd better save whoever you're marrying.
The Bible later tells Christians who are married to unbelievers to pray for their spouses...Because of the times, Christianity was fairly new and people were becoming converted after they were married. It was common to have a Christian and non-Christian married to each other.
Hi Evan,
First off what a blessing it was to find your site! Now for my rather complicated question.
I married my first husband and after 4 years of marriage, arguements and two children he left me on the grounds that I wasn't a good enough housekeeper. He quickly had a new girlfriend move into his house about six months later and they were together for about 2 years. He hadn't yet filed for divorce when this happened. I still wanted to stay married because I loved him. I eventually remarried about 1 year later and it lasted literally 2 months because while I was having emergency surgery and he left the hospital and slept with his ex-girlfriend (my second husband) He filed for divorce after that. My first husband and I have been back and forth for the last 8 years and he contends that because I remarried we can never be together because of God's Law on Divorce and remarriage. From what I have read, because he technically commited adaultry by sleeping with his girlfriend before he even filed for divorce, and my second husband cheated also, isn't it my choice to forgive him and remarry him? If this makes any sense to you, could you please help me out? Thanks and God Bless.
Pamela
Pamela,
Thanks for the question. What a crazy and complicated mess! Oh, the trouble, we humans (myself included) get into. So sorry to hear about this. I do believe that God's grace is much bigger than we can fathom.
Remember, God hates divorce because he knows how much pain it causes. He wants the best for us. However, divorce and other bad things happen in marriage. That's where his forgiveness comes in. If you and your first husband want to get back together, I believe God's love, grace and forgiveness covers all your past mistakes.
If you do get back together, the important thing is to learn from past mistakes and somehow make the marriage work this time, for good.
That takes a ton of committment and the support of good friends and the fellowship of a good Christian church.
That is an interesting article from McFall. I wrestle with all of this because on face value, it sseems that anyone who divorces and remarries is committing adultery.
When we remember that marriage in God's eyes ideally happens at the first act of sex, then it all makes sense. In a perfect world, a man and a woman would have sex for the first time ever with their new spouse and be faithful to each other till death. That's the way God set it up.
Problem is, we humans mess everything up. In God's omniscience, he knew we'd sin in all areas of life, including divorce and marriage. And that's where I believe God's grace comes in when we mess up his original plans for marriage.
I don't ever want to encourage people to abuse that grace (Romans 6), yet we know it's there and covers our misatakes.
I think the key is to avoid a repetitive pattern of marriage and divorce.
Dear Pastor Evan,
I do not know you nor have I ever been to your church. However, I have been seeking some guidance online and found your blog. Can you please give me some guidance....I was married in 2003 and divorced in 2006. We divorced because we were selfish and just did not do the right thing. We did not commit adultry or anything like that, but we just did not take our marriage seriously and as soon as we hit some hard financial and emotional times, we cut out on each other.
At any rate, we eventually got back together and have been together for almost 2 years now. We still have alot of issues, but we are trying to work them out. We have not remarried.
My question is, if a couple divorces but then gets back together, are they still considered married in the eye's of God? I ask because as we try to work things out we are being intimate with one another....I think about whether we are committing another sin on top of the divorce by being intimate.
So in a nutshell, if a couple divorces but gets back together (but not getting married again) are they still married in the eye's of the Lord? Are they committing a sexual sin by living together and being intimate?
Thank you for any guidance you cna provide.
Your sister in Christ,
Shamara
Shamara,
Glad you found my blog. I'm a bit out of date on it, since we're
moving, but I have enjoyed it over the years.
Great questions about marriage, divorce and sex outside of marriage.
What we have to decipher between is legal marriage in the eyes of the
state you live in and marriage as defined by God.
As I said on my blog, in an ideal Christian world, a couple would only
have sex inside a committed marriage. That's marriage in God's eyes,
in any country of the world. Whether people acknowledge that or not
is another issue.
I'm glad to hear you two are back together. I pray you will be able
to remarry (legally in your state) and stay married for the rest of
your life. Technically since you are involved sexually, you are at
least acting like a married couple. To have sex outside of marriage,
even in your situation sends a confusing message to others, especially
other Christians. Most people understand whether they are Christians
or not that people are "supposed" to be having sex if they are
married. I think deep in their hearts, most people know that having
sex when you aren't married really just isn't right. However, most
people continue in that behavior because they dismiss guilt and "go
with the flow" because everyone else is doing it and it feels so good.
Since we can't ignore the laws of the land, and the state recognizes
legal marriage as the certificate, then I'd encourage you to keep that
in mind. As Christians, we live in a delicate balance between the
laws of the land and God's laws. God wants us to respect both.
To make sure you are covered on both ends, I'd encourage you guys to
be legally married before you are sexually involved. I believe that
is honoring both God and man with the laws we have set up.
With that said, don't rush into remarriage to quickly. Get good
biblical counseling and try and work through the issues that caused
the divorce the first time. I believe you will honor God best by
being married and intimate within that context.
Let me know if that helps and if I can answer any other questions for you.
God's best for you future and your relationship.
Pastor Evan Lauer
Pastor Evan,
Thank you for your guidance and your words of encouragement. I appreciate you and I pray many blessings for your ministry!
Shamara
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